The highly inaccurate guide to the Eurovision Song Contest 2024

Yes! It's that time of year again! And we're off to a great start already with one contestant kicked out during the rehearsals and at least two country hosts bowing out...

Anyway, Eurovision this year gets a royal introduction from the Crown Princess of Sweden! Classy.

I recognise one of the flag parade songs! Oddly enough I was listening to it only yesterday. And I see the UK has decided to win the largest flag competition with one that must have come from the Royal Navy 😅

Resident snarkmeister Graham Norton is back and opens with: "Yes, you can vote for songs before they have been performed. I could try and explain it, but why bother?". So this year the lines are already open? Eh, bring on the songs!

This year's postcard themes: a recap of past entries, followed by cellphone selfies with dramatic slow-motion posing

1. Sweden: we're stuck in an unforgettable sci-fi corridor with All The Strobe Lights
2. Ukraine: don't worry about life in the desert, our rain chant works
3. Germany: ALL THE FIRE
4. Luxembourg: beware of the leopards!
5. Netherlands: kicked out during rehearsals, though apparently not because of Gaza?
6. Israel: how to hide the backing dancers: all the smoke machines!
7. Lithuania: oh dear, we seem to have summoned giant hands

Interlude, with a clip of Sweden's first go at hosting Eurovision 50 years ago.

8. Spain: I did not expect that
9. Estonia: we lost our violins, so we'll have to improvise
10. Ireland: the goths have worked out how to power their spells with Eurovision. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
11. Latvia: rather underwhelming
12. Greece: we found the Tiktok effects!
13. United Kingdom: we hired M C Escher to do our set design. This may have been a mistake.

Interlude: the EBU spokesperson gives us the inside scoop... in song, naturally.

14. Norway: a sort of fey rock metal, with a side order of goth?
15. Italy: who will be brave enough to claim the Rose Throne?
16. Serbia: our fey goth has been left on a rock in the middle of the ocean. Very emotional.
17. Finland: what is this I don't even... just... what...
18. Portugal: see, if you abandon your fey then they'll just summon whatever Finland was and we'll have to clean up the emotional trauma
19. Armenia: I brought all my favourite instruments!
20. Cyprus: liar!
21. Switzerland: you can make it up the dish thing if you try!

Interlude: the infamous skirt moment!

Also this year the Eurovision songs are available on DVD, CD, LP,... and rune stone?

22. Slovenia: our fey didn't even get a rock to stand on, so she'll have to make do with backing dancers.
23. Croatia: time to leave for Eurovision, just don't forget to pack your cosplay outfits. Catchy!
24. Georgia: more fire! Though we'll have to make do with the video wall, Germany used up all the actual fire.
25. France: mind the camera! Impressive a capella bit near the end.

Interlude: Brighton survived ABBA!

26. Austria: cyberpunk fey, bringing the rave! Bookends rather neatly with Sweden at the start.

So to sum up, my favourites are Sweden, Norway, Croatia, and Austria, the fey have turned up from all over the place including Ireland, and Slovenia, and Serbia has demonstrated that if you don't take care of them then they'll retaliate. With Finland.

The highly inaccurate guide to the Eurovision Song Contest 2024: Results!

Interval act 1: Time for a eighties disco! And oops, a little too much fire - not to mention the wrong band...

Interval act 2: ABBA?! Covered by some more recent Eurovision winners.

This year even the hosts get to make a picture postcard and attempt dramatic selfies!

Interval act 3: the post-apocalyptic Fifth Element/Ghost in the Shell crossover continues...

And the lines are now closed! I did not expect the crowd to boo the EBU's representative Martin Österdahl to that extent, though this year's Eurovision contest has had controversial aspects, to say the least... Anyway, jury vote time with the traditional "this is London calling" combined with the traditional Graham Norton snark. Malta's representative was caught mid-banana! Australia have brought the keytar back, and with it 4 points to the UK - so whatever happens, we've scored something. Wow, the crowd do not like the EBU (who delivered the Netherland's points since their host decided not to appear after their disqualification).

So everyone got something from the jury vote, but the leader by far is Switzerland with 365 points? Don't get me wrong, it was good, but I wouldn't have expected it to win. As always everything is still to play for as the public vote can deliver over 400 points to the ultimate winner - and the public often disagrees with the juries.

Austria only got 5 (for 24 total). Lithuania are the first to get more than 50 from the audience. There's a lot of small scores being awarded at the moment, until we reach Greece with 85.

And the UK got zero from the audience? Harsh, dude, and undeserved - that was a decent entry.

Ireland did well, but not enough to reach the top. No, Australia, the witch shall not be crowned tonight. Instead it's looking like Croatia who got 370+ audience points. With two to go, it'll take a lot of points to pass Croatia and I'm not sure there's that much left for Switzerland or France to beat them.

I was wrong, Switzerland take the crown. Literally - they've got Ireland's crown!

All they have to do now is make it through the neon maze that is backstage. 😅